Remorse
by illbeonthemoon
Summary: Inuyasha explains to Kagome what's on his mind. bad summary. InuxKag, R&R!


Enjoy!

Well, _try_. Please?

* * *

I wonder.

I wonder why when I look up from the ground, all I see is you. Of course there are other things, like nature and people and clouds, but what do they all matter anyways? They've got nothing on you. All I can see is _you_, but do you even see me at all? I supposed I'm okay with that; I have to be. But sometimes I wonder why I even _hope_, even though it sends little stabs of pain through my chest when I realize that it won't ever work. Things couldn't work between us. I look back down at the ground, which is surprisingly lonely.

Kouga came and graced us with his lovely presence today. He claimed that Naraku's scent had passed through here, but I didn't believe him, not for a second. He's a rotten liar.

He held your hand when you tripped and a rock slashed your leg. He stared into your eyes and smiled, while I sat there silent. He treats you like a queen, while I realize that sometimes I treat you like you're lower than the dirt I stand on. I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you that, but I'm weak. Heh. I know that. I don't need to be reminded.

You didn't look back at me, not once. I could feel Sango's worried eyes drilling into the back of my head then. She knew how I felt, I could tell. Miroku sighed and gave me a look that said, '_Really, Inuyasha, are you that arrogant?_' I walked away, leaving you there with Kouga.

You never looked back.

I hope you're happy, I really do. I just wish that you could be happy with me. Is that stupid of me?

He loves you, I know that for sure. You can see it in his eyes and it's thoroughly disgusting. Maybe you care about him, too. I'll never know because I sure as hell ain't gonna ask.

I'm too afraid to find out.

But if you decide to go with him one day, I'll be okay. Sure, I hate that dirty wolf's guts, but it's not my decision. You'll have found someone who will treat you right, better than I ever did, and I'll be glad. I'll be okay, don't worry about me. I think that after awhile, I'll come to accept it. But I won't ever forget it. I won't ever forget who I am, or what I am, or why you can't love me.

I promise never to forget you, even if you forget me.

I know how love gives someone the power to ultimately rip you in half; all you have to say the word, and I'm on the ground. I'm _lower _than the ground, and maybe even lower than that. I know that all too well, seeing as Naraku once used that power against me.

But you didn't have to say anything to put me in my place on the ground. I knew already. Common knowledge, right?

As I sit here, leaning against a tree, watching you run around in circles with a gleeful Shippou, I'm repeating the same thing over and over in my head.

I'm sorry. I really am.

I can't ever tell you, because I'm too weak to even try. I'm a horrible, horrible person and I don't even come close to deserving you, or anyone else for that matter. I've hurt so many people in my lifetime, destroyed so many good things. I know I've made you cry countless tears for me, and I don't deserve them. You should be with someone who can make you smile, who can be there when you need him, not running off in the middle of the night with someone who he used to "love". I'm not perfect, not at all, though I wish that I could be for you.

I'm sorry.

Sorry seems like a stupid way to describe the message I'm trying to get across to you. It can't be put into words how sorry I am - I could put it into actions for you, but I'm not so sure that would be a good idea.

I _love _you. I'm sorry.

You look at me, just for a mere three seconds, and you smile at me. Your smile…it's like the dark clouds in the sky parting to make way for the sun. I feel a smile slowly spreading across my face, but you look away a second too fast to see it. You laugh, a musical sound, and I feel my face soften. I hadn't noticed that I was grimacing.

Shippou soon gets tired and the sun is setting, streaking the sky with pretty colors. He drifts off to sleep, lost in a heap of blankets that you brought back from your time. I'm still leaning against this rough, uninviting tree, while watching you lean over a fire, cooking dinner with Sango. Miroku's somewhere…I can't remember. Probably flirting with the village women. You and Sango aren't obviously worried, so I'm not either, although Sango has that dangerous look in her eyes again…

Suddenly, you look up at me. I feel my face growing impossibly warm, and I look away into the darkened forest and hear an owl. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see you whisper something to Sango, too low for even me to hear, then start walking over to where I am. I pretend to not notice when you sit next to me and say hello.

I turn my head slowly, and look at you. You're smiling. I try not to.

"Hi." I say, cautiously. Letting you know anything I was thinking would be bad.

"Why are you sitting here all alone?" You ask. I can hear the genuine curiosity in your voice. I wait a minute before I answer.

"Because sometimes I just like to be alone." I frown. That was the wrong thing to say…

"Oh. I'll just go back then." You start to get to your feet, but I grab your wrist and pull you back down. You scowl at me, and rub the spot on your arm where I grabbed you.

"Stay." I command you. _I could have put that better, nicer…_

"Ouch! If you wanted me to stay, you could have just _asked_…" You looked annoyed.

"I'm sorry." I mumble quickly, and my eyes widen. I remember thinking about that just ten minutes ago and my face gets ridiculously redder.

"What? What's wrong?" You say in a hushed whisper. I figure you don't want to worry Sango, who's smiling to herself and stirring a pot of soup. She doesn't notice.

"I'm sorry." I repeat, louder and with more strength in my voice. I'm determined this time - I can do this. The least I can do is apologize to you for everything I've put you through, even if I do sound like an idiot.

"Oh." You smile that heartbreaking smile. I can tell you're surprised, and I don't blame you. "Thank you, I guess."

"That's not it - I don't mean what you think I mean. I -" What the hell? That made no sense at all. Stupid baka.

"Spit it out, Inuyasha. If you're not sorry, then just say it and get it over with." You frown.

I take a deep breath and you stare at me, waiting. _I can do this. I can do this_, I repeat to myself. "I'm…I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've always been…horrible to you, that I can never seem to do anything right." I mumble, although I know you can hear me. My voice cracks. Now is probably the only time in my whole pathetic life that I've actually told someone how I've _felt_.

"I'm not good enough for you, and I'm sorry." I hear you inhale loudly, then exhale again after a couple of painfully silent seconds. To my immense surprise, I feel a single tear rush down my cheek. I wipe it away quickly, before you can make anything of it. The last time I'd cried was…well, when my mother had died, leaving me all alone.

After a few minutes of silence, I can't bring myself to look at your face. I look up towards camp, avoiding your heavy gaze. Sango is still happily stirring dinner, completely unaware of us. Maybe _too _unaware.

"Where did that come from?" you whisper. I can practically hear the smile in your voice, though I can tell that it's strained. I don't answer. If it bothered her, I would never mention it ever again.

I feel your warm hand on my cold face, turning it gently to the side to make me face you. I childishly close my eyes tight, not wanting to see your reaction. I can't stand this now. I want to run into the forest, into a place where no one would ever bother me, crawl up into a ball and stay that way forever.

And then…you were kissing me. I wasn't expecting it- in fact, it was the farthest thing from my mind. It caught me off guard, and if I hadn't had control of myself, I would have thrown you off of me like my instincts were telling me to.

You don't smack me like I expect you to and say, "Nasty Inuyasha, stay away from me!" You just push yourself against my chest and press your soft lips against mine, knotting your hands in my hair.

I don't complain, although I hear a single thought pass through my mind, which stops me dead_. She's better than you. Why would she want a disgusting little hanyou like you?_

I pull away; you frown.

"What's wrong?" You look upset, like I'd hurt your feelings.

"I'm sorry." I say for about the fifth time this evening. The sad look dissolves from your face and turns into something much angrier.

"Don't be stupid," you almost yell. Sango looked over here, then slowly goes back to cooking. "I don't want you to be sorry, all I want is you to kiss me, dammit."

A smile creeps on my face, and you mimic it.

I lean down, close my eyes, and push my lips to yours. I feel my heart leap in frantic splutters.

You pull away after what seems like an eternity that isn't long enough.

And for the first time in awhile, I am _happy_.

* * *

Ahah, OOC much?

Oh well.

Reviews make me a happy person.


End file.
